How to Fail Miserably at Potty Training

Potty training sucks. It's a horrible, stinky, exhausting process that can leave both you and your child in tears. As every potty-training manual will tell you, "giving up is not an option" but is that really true?

I was reading the book "Everyone Poops" and had an epiphany, "what if everyone pooped like animals?" Think about it. It's natural, organic, requires no work, fertilizes plants and leaves more time for household chores like shampooing the carpet, a lot. Now you may be thinking, "That's brilliant! I'm going to stop potty training right now!" but there are some rules if you want to avoid natural evolution that makes your kid smarter than the family dog. Even dogs can learn to hold it and only go in designated areas so this natural instinct must be broken. Here's a few tips to potty de-train:

• Reward the messes. I suggest stickers, M&M's or just cold hard cash.

• Trash all the diapers. If the tot complains that he/she really wants one tell him/her "Your diapers came alive and wanted to bite your bottom." If that doesn't stop the whining, the nightmares will.

• Make up a tune. Singing will help relax a child and distract from the smell.

• Avoid potty training books. If your kid finds one at the library or bookstore, tell them "only babies read that and you're a big-boy or girl.

• Target practice. If you have a boy you can take Cheerios outside, throw them everywhere and make a game of your little one squirting them. Other lawn games could be "help make the flowers grow" or the classic hilarious craft "flaming bag of poop on a neighbors doorstep."

• Dress for success. If you have a girl put them only in dresses. This helps to not contain the mess.

• Taking out all the bathrooms in your house can be expensive so try pad-locking them instead. If your significant other isn't on board with this revolutionary new trend, hide the key. If you ever see a toilet when out and about, shield your child's eyes. The less they know about the potty, the better. If the child gets curious and asks what a potty is, tell them it's something only Gargomile uses to destroy Smurfs. That's why they're blue.

• To prevent the little one from learning to hold it, always have a faucet running and a video of Niagara Falls on auto-replay.

• When all their friends use the potty so they want to as well, force them to watch as many 80's movies about peer-pressure as you can find until they pee themselves from the assault of bad acting and large scary hair. 

• Make them feel proud. If this is the first time your child has pooped out in the wild or even the living room, get excited about it. Heck throw a party! Invite guests, get some brown balloons and a chocolate cake. This event should be commemorated.


Disclaimer: If you take the advice above, my condolences to your neighbors and your sense of smell but I'm sure your vegetable garden looks great. If you want to jump back into the horror that is potty training, M&M's, a good book, a steam-vac and a but-load of patience worked for me.