Why Junk Food Is Good For Your Kid

Like many American holidays, this Independence day is a wonderful opportunity to instill high-calorie traditions upon your child. Why only on holidays though? Why not celebrate the bounty of processed foods every day? Here's a few reasons to celebrate good old, American junk food.
  • Because healthier meals = smaller kid = less to love. Now who wants to love their kid less?
  • Because the Golden Arches teaches the letter "M" and important sight words that start with"Mc."
  • Because reading weird ingredients that look like Latin may teach your kids Latin. Then they can claim Bi-lingual on their college applications.
  • Because deep frying is a culinary art form and kids should learn to appreciate the arts.
  • Because playing pirate is a lot more fun with a real case of scurvy.
  • Because, sugar is a perfectly legal addiction you can deal your kids to do whatever you want. Heck, you might even get them to to try a new vegetable if you dangle a snickers.
  • Because the worst meals contain the best toys. It's all about value. If a restaurant put money into quality food, they wouldn't have anything left over to advertise kids movies.
  • Because that study that says sugar makes you stupid means you won't have a smart-Alec kid. 
  • Because you don't want your kid to have so much energy they don't want to play Grand Theft Auto. They might actually want to go outside, get fresh air, and maybe ride a bike. It's all downhill from there. 
  • Because many kids meals pack a whole days worth of calories, you may only need to feed your kids once a day. Now that's being efficient!
  • Because junk food makes kids fart = less likely to date = less likely to have teen pregnancy.
  • Because junk food gives kids acne = less self-esteem = lower expectations out of life. The lower they aspire, the more likely they are to succeed! 
  • Because with all the health conditions you might get some use out of that insurance policy plus hospitals are so much fun.
Have a happy an unhealthy Independence day!
Disclaimer: Getting kid's to eat healthy can be a really, really, really hard endeavor but worth it. For the under age 6 crowd, you might take a look at my kids adventure book "The History of Veggies." For over 6, I'll just send you good vibes.